Under the Oak Tree

173  Chapter 173

Maxi took a deep breath, filling her lungs with his scent. His robes smelled of horses and the metallic tang of iron armor.

With both hands resting on the windowsill, Riftan stared out the window at the night sky illuminated by a crescent moon. Maxi could feel the tension exuding from him even through his armor.

She did not know what to say. She stared at his motionless figure before lowering her gaze to her knees. A knock interrupted the silence.

"Sir Riftan, I've brought you hot water."

It was Ruth. Riftan slowly turned around and opened the door. Light streamed in from the hallway, and Maxi crawled to the corner of the bed to avoid it. She caught a glimpse of Ruth trying to peer past Riftan's shoulder with a concerned look.

"I also have some clean linen and a change of clothes. As for your meal…"

"Bring it in an hour."

Riftan's bulky frame blocked the doorway, barring Ruth's entry. After taking the basin, towels, and clothes, he closed the door on Ruth's face before the sorcerer could say anything else.

Maxi nervously watched Riftan approach the bed. He placed the basin on the bedside table and soaked a towel in steaming water. After wringing it out, he brought the hot towel to her face.

When Maxi shrunk back reflexively, his lips grew stiff, and he muttered in a strangely tense voice, "Let me help you wipe off the blood."

"Oh…"

Riftan gently wiped her forehead, temples, and cheeks. It was only when she saw the dark bloodstains on the linen that Maxi realized she had been bleeding. Ruth had healed the wounds, but the blood must have remained.

When her face was clean, Riftan pulled off her robe and began to wipe her pale shoulders and back. Maxi gave herself over to his care, feeling pathetic. Each time the warm towel swept down her back, it felt as though it were exposing more of her shame. It made her face burn, and she desperately wanted to hide.

Riftan paid no heed to her discomfort and relentlessly wiped the dried blood on her back. Feeling the slight tremor of his fingers against her skin, she anxiously gnawed her lip. Riftan continued washing her, changing the towel several times, before he finally spoke.

"How often did this happen?"

Maxi hunched her shoulders and looked away. After frantically glancing about the room like an animal seeking an escape route, she forced a stiff smile.

"W-What… do you mean?"

She heard him take in a sharp breath. Feigning ignorance, she fiddled with her tangled hair with shaking hands. Riftan did not relent, using his silence to demand an answer.

Maxi tried and failed to ignore the pressure. She said awkwardly, "I-It didn't… h-happen that often. My father… w-was greatly angered today… that's why… he p-punished me. Th-This usually… doesn't…"

Riftan impassively observed her desperate attempt to preserve what little pride she had left. His penetrating gaze made Maxi's face flush.

"M-My father is a s-stern man… o-on the rare occasions he got angry, he—"

"Since when?" Riftan prodded, heartlessly ignoring her pitiful efforts to paint the matter as inconsequential.

Maxi pressed herself against the wall, her breathing turning ragged as though she were cornered.

She needed a shield, something to cover herself with. How was she to contend with a fully-armored man when she was as vulnerable as a newborn babe, her shame on full display? Maxi pulled the blanket up like a barrier and glared at him. His cruel efforts to dredge up her deepest shame filled her with hostility.

"W-What is it that you wish to know? Do you… r-really want to kn-know… w-when it began… a-and how often I was beaten?"

The knuckles of his hand clutching the towel went white. Maxi's chest heaved. She had to admit that even she thought her attempt to keep up appearances despite the evidence was absurd.

"If you w-want to know so badly… Th-The beatings started when I was eight, w-when it became clear… that I had a speech impediment. I-I was made to read a poem out loud i-in front of my father… twice a week. W-Whenever I did poorly… he would punish me… in that room."

Despair clawed at her as she spat out the words. Faced with the truth, Riftan hung his head. She had never seen him look so devastated.

Clutching his forehead, he said in a hoarse voice, "I… wasn't planning on bringing you back with me to Anatol."

All the fight completely drained out of Maxi. She gazed at him as if she were bleeding to death but could not tell whether or not Riftan was aware. He kept his eyes on the floor where the shadows cast by the lamp flickered and swayed.

Looking like a man in a daze, he continued, "I thought it would be better for you to remain here. I kept telling myself, again and again, the entire way here… that I should let you stay if that was what you wanted. That I'd only go see you to make sure you were well. I swore that I wouldn't drag you with me like last time…"

His voice grew more and more unsteady as he spoke. Riftan ruffled the shaggy hair over his forehead and drew a ragged breath.

"I practically begged the duke to let me see you just once. When he told me that you refused to see me, I thought the ground would swallow me up."

"I-I never—"

Maxi unwittingly cried out before snapping her mouth closed. Riftan's penetrating gaze flew to her again. Nervously plucking at the sheet, Maxi cast her eyes down.

"I-I never said such a thing. I-I never told my father that I didn't want to see you…"

"Then why did you follow that man there? For what reason?"

Riftan leaped to his feet and leaned down. Maxi pressed herself against the wall like a cornered mouse. As if to prevent her escape, he placed one hand on the wall next to her head and drew his face close to hers.

"Was being subjected to such atrocities preferable to waiting for me? Did you really choose to stay with a man like him over me?!"

"I-I… thought you never w-wanted… t-to see me again."

When she finally managed to get the words out, his sun-kissed face turned unnaturally pale.

Her voice shaking, Maxi added, "B-Because I lost… o-our baby…"

"You thought… I wouldn't want to see you again because of that?" he mumbled incredulously.

Biting her lip, Maxi glared at him through teary eyes. "W-What else… w-was I to think? Y-You told me t-to leave. Y-You wanted me to leave… without telling me anything…"

"I didn't want to see you get hurt anymore! Ever since I brought you to Anatol, you've ended up in danger numerous times. I blamed myself for everything when I saw you all bloodied! Why must you be the one to suffer when I was the one who fathered that child and made you return to that wretched place?! I am to blame for all of it!"

Maxi gaped at the heartbreaking outburst. She could no longer think of anything to say. Riftan continued to speak as though he were trying to pour out his innermost feelings.

"I should have just let you be. I shouldn't have taken you to Anatol! I knew from the start that you didn't want to marry me! If I truly wanted the best for you, I should have let you go when I returned from the Dragon Campaign. I even thought it would be better for you if I didn't return alive! That was all I could think about while you were unconscious…"

His voice cracked by the end. He shook violently as though trying to restrain himself, but a moment later, he grabbed her shoulders as if the urge proved too much.

"If it hadn't been for your sister, I would have left you there! Why did you never tell me… how that bastard treated you? If I'd known, I wouldn't have allowed him anywhere near you. I would have protected you no matter what! Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why?!"

"I-I-I…"

Maxi struggled, but Riftan did not let her go. He cupped her face, leaving her no choice but to return his gaze. His blazing eyes razed the last of her defenses. She no longer had an ounce of pride or energy left to maintain her facade.

"Because… I-I liked how you treated me a-as if I was special…"

The tears that had welled up trickled down her cheeks. It did not occur to her to wipe them as she continued.

"But… I-I was nothing… Truly… n-nothing… I was… afraid that you would f-find out…"

Riftan looked as though someone had struck him in the head. Maxi squeezed her eyes shut, and the tears continued to stream.

"Y-You were… th-the last person I w-wanted to show this to. I-I didn't… want you to kn-know me. Y-You see it now, don't you? How could I… when I am… s-so pathetic…"

Maxi tried to force a smile on her quivering lips. She failed, and her face crumpled as the tears came bursting out of her.

"I… I am… ashamed…"

His grip on her shoulders fell away. Curling herself over her knees, Maxi covered her flushed face with her fists. Suppressed sobs escaped her lips. Standing in the middle of a square stark naked could not be more humiliating than this.

She wanted nothing more than to remain an exalted noblewoman in his eyes, for him to continue looking at her as though she were dazzling and not the way she was now — pathetic and miserable.

Maxi choked for air as a burning lump lodged itself in her throat. Her body shook, and her face was wet with hot tears. She could not keep it bottled any longer.

With her lips crushed together, she was tearing at the sheets when she heard Riftan's hoarse voice above her head.

"I… have had you in my thoughts for a very long time."

Maxi froze and looked up at him. With his arms limp at his sides, he seemed in a daze.

"You were always on my mind. Even when you knew nothing of my existence… I only thought of you."

He muttered it like a sacred confession.

"Oh…"

Unable to comprehend his words, Maxi could not speak. Salty tears seeped into her mouth, and she saw her reflection in his somber eyes.

"I felt hollow and miserable the more I saw you… But I couldn't stop."

His lip quivered slightly.

"I kept telling myself to quit. The more I thought of you, the lonelier I felt. Even surrounded by people, I was alone. Give up, I told myself. What's the point of wanting something you can't have? That's what I resolved to do, over and over… But my eyes would always seek you before I even realized it."

He pressed his fist on his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut.

"It's as if my heart no longer belongs to me. It ceased to be mine the moment I met you. So… how could you call yourself nothing? How could you be nothing?"

Maxi stared at Riftan in a daze as his broad shoulders gently shook. He hung his head like a soldier surrendering to the enemy the thing he had tried to protect to the bitter end. After numbly taking in the pitiful sight, Maxi slowly reached out and pulled his head to her chest.

Not knowing what else to say, she repeated his name over and over. How was this feeling of all-encompassing vulnerability and heartrending sadness humanly possible?

She had shattered not only herself but also Riftan into a thousand pieces. His body sagged against hers. Their silhouettes across the floor could not have looked more pitiful.

They dropped onto the bed like the rubble of a crumbling rampart. Maxi leaned her face against his cool shoulder.

She could no longer pinpoint the reason behind her tears. She simply rubbed her wet cheek against his black hair and poured out the things she had kept buried in her heart. They lay in each other's arms, motionless in the dark.