The Simulacrum

Book 5 Extra 1: An End-of-the-year-winter-solstice-related-religious-holiday Carol

The cynic in me always thought that Christmas was just a tad overblown. Whether one approached it from a religious, traditional, or commercial perspective, the holiday season felt like it was constantly brow-beating me with one 'message' after another. Be it about saviors and salvations, families and cheers, or just being incessantly pestered to impulse-purchase gifts and holiday paraphernalia since pretty much the middle of November, by the time Christmas Eve rolled around, I already felt completely tired out by the whole ordeal.

One would think that being an amnesiac and experiencing all of the festivities for the first time would make it all fresh and new and better, but I swear, if I heard another rendition of Jingle Bells, Carol of the Bells, or just any bells in general, I was going to strangle someone.

"We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry"

"Add that to the list," I silently grumbled, trying to make sure I wouldn't rain on my Abyssal sister's parade. Unlike me, she was genuinely excited about the whole holiday hubbub, and even now she was absent-mindedly humming to herself while putting the finishing touches on the Christmas dcor in the living room. While I was a touch apprehensive at first, she thankfully didn't take a page out of Judy's mom's book, and things ended up tastefully festive. Maybe it was a good thing she was really into this, as if it was up to me, I might've just strung up a couple of twinkle lights here and there and called it a day.

"Sorry, did you call me?" Snowy turned to me just as I was about to head upstairs, and I shook my head. Did she have sharp ears or what?

"Nah, I'm just mumbling to myself, don't mind me," I responded with my best smile, and she returned it at once. "That said, it's getting a little late. How long are you going to keep decorating?"

"Oh, I'm almost done!" she said and gestured at the coffee table in the middle of the room, or rather, the bright red ornaments on it. "I just want to put those up on the windows, and I think I'm more or less done with everything. My movie starts soon, and I want to finish things up before that."

"All right. Don't stay up late; you know we've been invited over to Elly's place tomorrow."

"Ah, right! Penny was really excited about that!" she told me with another beaming smile. "We're going to wear matching dresses."

"Neat," I responded a touch absently before checking the time. "Well, I guess I head upstairs for now. Before that, do you need anything?"

"No, thanks. I'm good. Good night!"

Giving her a small wave, I walked up the stairs and into my room without any further ado, doggedly ignoring the tannenbaum song coming from the TV. It was from a commercial, and needless to say, it also made it onto the list. Seriously, how come there were dozens of Christmas songs, and yet they were all overplayed to the point they blended into a slurry of auditory annoyance? Or was it just me?

That was an entirely rhetorical question I didn't plan to dignify by any further pondering, and instead I headed over to my PC, ready for yet another long night of Hub-browsing and tournament-interruption-planning. It wasn't exactly the most holiday-appropriate thing to do, but if my options were working on these things, or engaging in more inane Christmas-related activities, I would've picked the first option every time in a heartbeat.

Like that, seconds pooled into minutes, and those minutes slowly piled into ours. My ears picked up the moment my sister came upstairs and went to sleep, but after that, there was complete silence in the house. It was the best time of the day for studying, working, or watching funny animal videos, and while sometimes it felt a little lonely, I still treasured the calm hours of the night and the fleeting moments of quiet introspection they brought into my life. Therefore, it was all the more startling when somebody addressed me in a soft, droning voice.

"Leeeoooo Leeeeeeeeooooo"

" What the heck?"

I turned around in my chair, only to freeze for a moment while by brain did its best to make sense of the situation.

"Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

"Yes, yes. I can hear you," I cut in, feeling both apprehensive and annoyed at the same time. In front of me, the princess floated a few centimeters off the ground. She was wearing an enormous white bed sheet, and had one of those white cloths folded into a triangle shape over her forehead that one would often see on Japanese ghosts. Also, she was semi-transparent. That was kind of important, and also made me cock my head to the side. "Wait. I'm pretty sure I've already seen you in this form. Are we in the April Fools continuity?"

"That's not impoooooooortant! Stop being meta for five minutes, and listen to meeeeeee!" my, currently quite ghostly, girlfriend scolded me with a pout before pointing a finger at me. "You do not appreciate Christmaaaaaaas! You must repeeeeeeent!"

"Since when was that an offence?" I blurted out, but seeing her glare, I quickly backpedaled. "Yeah, sure, repent. Whatever. How do I do that?"

"Thanks for aaaaaaaaaasking! You will be haunted by threeeeeee spirits!"

"By three" I muttered, and I could feel my brows tighten into a frown. "Hold on! Hold the hell on! Are we seriously doing this? Have we truly fallen so low that we're doing a Christmas Carol episode?"

"I tooooooold you to stop being meta! You must learn to appreciate the classics and embrace Christmas joooooooooy!"

"In that case, yay, I love Christmas so much, and god bless us everyone," I rattled off and crossed my arms. "There. Can we skip this whole thing now?"

"Nooooooo! The three spirits are already on their waaaaaaay!"

"Oh for the love of Fine. Can we at least speed things up and not draw it out for three nights? Nobody has time for that."

"I'll seeeeeeee what I can do about thaaaaaaat! Look to see me no more; and look that for your own sake you remember what has passed between us!"

"And now you're just quoting the play word for word!" I burst out, but instead of answering, ghost-Elly just stuck out her tongue and disappeared like candle smoke in the wind. Blinking, I slouched in my chair and muttered, "Charles Dickens will be turning in his grave, won't he?"

"I, like, don't know about that," a new voice spoke up, this time coming from the window, and when I turned over, I was greeted by a semi-transparent Sahi wearing a toga and carrying a huge, conical something under her arm. "Hi, Leo!"

"Yeah, hello," I answered on autopilot. "Are you supposed to be Ghost of Christmas Past?" She nodded with an ear-to-ear grin, and I had to admit, that made a modicum of sense. After all, the ghost was described as both old and young. With an appreciative hum, I added, "Well, that was quick."

"Like, I don't want to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm totally a hard worker!" she declared, and I nodded just to get the conversation rolling.

"Sure. So, what's next?"

"I'm, like, going to take you on a wicked journey into your past! It's totally for your welfare and your reclamation, so, like, take heed!"

"My past?" I repeated after her, suddenly feeling intrigued, and I stood up from my chair. "That might actually be unexpectedly insightful. So? Do I need to do anything?"

"Not at all. I have, like, the power to take you back to your most cherished happy memories! Watch! Let us return to your childhood!"

I held my breath as I watched her raise the conical whatchamacalling in her hands over her head, and after shaking it around for a while, my whole room dissolved and got replaced by a static buzz, the same kind you'd see on old TVs when there was no signal. Still holding my breath, I patiently waited for things to clear up but they didn't.

"Huh? It's, like, not working?" our budget Ghost of Christmas Past muttered and shook her conical implement a few more times. "Hey, Leo? Did you not, like, celebrate Christmas as a kid?"

"I have no idea."

"Wait, whaaat? That's, like, bogus! How can't you remember something like that?"

"I don't remember my childhood at all," I told her, and her eyes lit up at once.

"You have Ooooh! That totally explains it!" She shook her what the heck was it? Seriously, it bothered me from the beginning, but by this point, I seriously didn't know what to make of it. Was it a hat? Or a big funnel? Or something else entirely? Whatever it was, she vigorously shook it again, and the static in the scenery cleared up only to be replaced by more static. "Oh, what now?"

"That's my question."

Ghost Sahi finally put her let's call it a hat. She put her hat down, and told me, "I wanted to take you to, like, someone who totally understood what Christmas is about in your past, but I couldn't find anyone!"

"Well, tough luck."

"This is totally bogus! I quit!" she fumed, and then without as much as a goodbye, she slammed her hat-thing against the static-y floor and disappeared the same way Elly did leaving me all alone in the void.

"What the actual hell?" I muttered, shaking my head. Normally being stuck all alone in a sea of static would've caused even the staunchest of men to panic at least a little, but even if I couldn't just Phase home, as usual, this whole thing was so non-canon it hurt, so it didn't really matter either way.

As such, I patiently waited for a couple of minutes, and just as I was getting exasperated by the situation, a rectangular hole popped into existence not far from me, looking kind of like a doorway cut right into the formless static.

"Come in!" a deep and familiar voice exclaimed from the other side of the gateway. "Come in, and know me better, man!"

It wasn't like I had many options, so after a customary sigh, I made my way over and stepped through the threshold of the hole, only to momentarily freeze in my tracks and gawk at the strange sight on the other side. What welcomed me was my own room, except buried under a mountain of Christmas decorations. Green garlands with red balls hanging from them and glistening in the light of countless holiday lights strewn all around the place. And then, smack dab in the middle of it all, roughly where my bed used to be, was an enormous pile of boxes.

Game consoles, huge and overpriced LEGO sets, smartphones, enormous puzzles, tablets, TVs, and countless other toys and electronic toys and appliances, all still in their original packaging, formed a makeshift throne. Upon this unconventional sitting apparatus, a great big man, grinning at me from under a crown made of holly, sat in a leisurely pose, his fur-trimmed green robe open and showing off his pecs for all to see.

"Hi, dad-in-law," I greeted our next what-is-this-I-don't-even dispenser with a limp wave of my hand.

"Welcome, son!" he returned the gesture, followed by a belly laugh that shook the whole room.

"Let me guess: You're the Ghost of Christmas Present?"

"You hit the nail on the head!" he exclaimed and rose from his seat. It made some distinctly painful crinkling and crackling sounds, but he completely ignored them and gestured for me to come closer. "Come, son! Let me take you on an adventure! Trust me, you'll learn the true meaning of Christmas!"

"Just let's get this over with," I whispered.

"Touch my robe, and let us be on our way!"

I did as instructed, and a moment later, room and garlands and boxes and Christmas lights and consoles and toys and appliances disappeared in the blink of an eye, and we were suddenly standing in a well-lit hall inside a bustling mall dressed in Christmas decorations, with giant snow-flakes hanging from the ceiling and an especially catchy (and therefore, annoying) rendition of Twelve Days of Christmas blaring from some unseen speakers. Needless to say, it was also going on the list.

More importantly, upon our arrival, Dad-in-law of Christmas Past walked forwards and opened his arms wide before turning to face me.

"Behold, son! Can you feel the true Christmas spirit in the air?"

Glancing left and right, I said, "Can you be a bit more specific?"

"Can't you see? Look!" I followed his pointing finger with my eyes and stared long and hard at the people at an electronics shop lining up to buy the newest portable gaming console on the market. "People, with yearning in their hearts and credit on their accounts, are all preparing for the holy night! The search for the perfect gift for their friends and family! The feeling of splurging on something that you normally wouldn't buy, just because it's Christmas!"

At this point, the scenery shifted again, and we were now looking through the ground-floor window of a middle-class family, just in time to see a pair of young kids voraciously tearing off the wrappings from the boxes under the lavishly decorated pine tree in the corner.

"Is there anything that better embodies the Christmas season than the shining eyes of the child," he continued, and that would've almost sounded nice, if only he didn't immediately add, "When they finally receive the new Nintendo, with its amazing motion controller and a great library of video entertainment games, for only 249.99 Jen plus taxes? Is there a better way to spend your hard-earned money than to bring joy to their chubby little faces?"

I eyed the enthusiastic man for a while, waiting for the punch line, but when it didn't come, I had to ask, "Are you seriously trying to tell me Christmas is all about materialism and gifts?"

"What do you mean? Is it not?"

He looked genuinely baffled, so I told him, "Normally, you're supposed to convince me about how Christmas was all about familial love and cheer and whatnot, and that gifts and possessions didn't matter nearly as much."

"Really? But that just sounds wrong," my discount holiday ghost mused while rubbing his chin.

"Well, yeah, it's a bit too mushy for my liking, but I wouldn't necessarily call it wrong per se"

"No, there's definitely something wrong with what you just said. Are you one hundred percent sure I wasn't supposed to teach you about how expensive gifts are the way to go?"

"Yep, pretty sure."

His brows furrowed for a moment, but then he shook his head and said, "It still sounds senseless to me, but you're usually right about these things, so I'll go ask management. Don't go anywhere!"

And just like that, dad-in-law's whole body frosted over until he turned pure white from head to toe, and with a tinkling sound, a small gust of wind blew him away, scattering him into a cloud of snow to be swept across the night sky.

"We're getting fancy with the transition effects, aren't we?" I mused to no one in particular and glanced around the neighborhood. "Shouldn't there be another spooky Christmas specter?"

As if to answer my question, there was some movement at the end of the street, and before long, I could make out somebody on the sidewalk practically running toward me. Their body shape was completely hidden by a long, flowing black robe and a deep hood that concealed their face in shadows, yet once they came closer, the tufts of red hair peeking out of under it revealed her identity all the same.

"Hi, kiddo," I greeted my third haunter for the night right as she came to a stop in front of me, and waited for her to stop heaving before I asked, "So? Are you going to be my personal Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come?"

"That's right" she told me between labored breaths, and once she finally collected herself, she added, "It's a part-time job. I'm trying to save up some money."

"Commendable. So, what's the plan?"

"It's too late for a Christmas gift, but Snowy's birthday is next month, and I want to buy a gift for her. I was thinking about ordering this maid-themed video game. It's more of a visual novel, really, but it's"

"I meant, for this whole Christmas ghost business," I clarified, and I could see her flush red in my mind's eye even though I still couldn't see her face due to her hood.

"R-Right, you obviously meant that! Give Give me a moment!" She reached into the robe, and after some rummaging, she procured a small, green book. "Let's see The manual says that I'm supposed to show you a terrible fate if you don't change your ways."

"My ways of being ambivalently passive-aggressive about the holidays," I pointed out, but she pretended she didn't hear me and began leafing her book as if her life depended on it.

"Terrible fate, terrible fate Where is it?"

"Aren't you just supposed to show me my grave and some people being happy that I'm dead?"

"A-Awawa! Don't say something so morbid so casually!"

"But that's how these things usually work though"

"Ugh Let me look for 'grave' then" I waited for her to browse her instructions, and once she found the entry she was looking for, her shoulders drooped in resignation. "You're right."

"See, I told you."

She exhaled hard and pocketed the manual, then after straightening her back, she deepened her voice and declared, "Let me show you your future fate!" On this note, probably for theatrical flair, she took out a small hourglass and turned it upside down.

I was pretty sure the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come wasn't supposed to have one of those, nor was it supposed to speak at all, but I wasn't going to complain. So long as things were progressing and we were one step closer to finishing this whole ordeal, I was happy.

"Now, look upon your" Penny began, only to stumble mid-word and let out a high-pitched yelp instead. "W-W-What is this!?"

"That's exactly what I wanted to ask," I noted a touch flatly.

"We were supposed to travel to the day you d-die! Why are we in space!? And why is the sun exploding!?"

"Beats me."

"Hauuuu!" my Sister of Christmas Yet to Come whined and shook her hourglass. "I-It must be broken! What do we do!? Brother, do something!"

Sighing, I grabbed the floating girl, who was about to turn upside-down from all the flailing, and a quick Phasing later, we appeared right in the middle of my room. To be safe, I positioned our arrival so that when gravity reasserted its influence, Penny would land on my bed, but she still let out a panicked scream upon falling onto her face.

"You okay, kiddo?"

"Ha-Hauu I'm fine" she whined while she unsteadily rose to her feet and picked up the hourglass from the floor. "Something must've gone wrong. Let's try it again."

"How about we don't?" I interrupted and carefully grabbed the hand holding the hourglass. "Let's just call it a day."

"But You must learn the true meaning of Christmas!"

"Oh, but I did. I promise. Pinky-swear."

She eyed me uncertainly from under her hood, but at last, she pocketed the tool and told me, "Fine, but in exchange, you must give me five stars in the app."

"There's an app for Christmas ghosts?" I blurted out, and Penny promptly rolled her eyes.

"Of course. There's an app for everything. A good review wouldn't hurt either."

" I'll think about it."

She nodded, and then without further ado, her whole body turned into black smoke and dissipated in a matter of seconds. I waited for a minute or two, just to see if there was anything else coming my way, but when nothing happened, I exhaled a relieved sigh and sat back down in front of my PC.

So, what did we learn today? You can't use the nonexistent childhood memories of an amnesiac for lessons, Christmas is all about the gifts, and part-time ghosts weren't great at their job. The moral of the story: Holiday-themed ghosts are wildly overrated.

Thus concluded, I shook my head, and put on my headphones. After all of those shenanigans, I needed something to help me wind down, and after some browsing, I settled on the song Deck the Halls. Or rather, a heavy metal cover of it. At least this one wasn't on the list, and what better way to close a Christmas Carol spoof than with a Christmas carol, eh?