One Moo'r Plow

Book 1: Chapter 10: The Taxman Cometh

No.

The human stared up at me, and his eyes blinked as comprehension failed to dawn inside his greasy skull.

Come again?

You heard me.

You will receive no coin from me. I rumbled, voice flat. Whatever this was, any amusement had been taken out back and shot after the first minute. My day was not yet ruined, but it was on track to that destination.

Mister Garek, He sniffed again and waved a sheaf of magical parchment at me. I understand things may have been done differently in whatever place you dragged yourself in from, but here on Baron Ironnmoors lands, matters are handled in a different wa-

Dont care. I interrupted, arms folded. Fuck off.

I had no idea who this man was, if he really worked for this Baron, if he was a conman, whatever. And at this point, I had no patience left to find out.

Mister Garek. He insisted in what Im sure he imagined was a forceful manner. I have a document right here that proves beyond all doubt my words.

He flipped open a folded letter that glinted with light, frowned, and pulled out another. With another imperious sniff, it was extended to me. And held there as I continued to stare him down.

Youre supposed to accept it. He hinted thinly after a few moments. I did not.

With a disgruntled expression, he flipped it open and began to read.

By the order of Baron Ironmoor, Regent of the Redtip peaks, Knight-commander of the Purple Flame, first of his name, the Lion of Kunath, long may he reign, the owner of the Property formerly in possession of the now-deceased Farmer Herrikson must carry his debt of Seven hundred and twenty six gold pieces, to be paid at all due haste, failure to comply will lead to harsh consequences.

I couldnt give two fucks, but I didnt humor him by saying so.

He waved the paper at me, obviously expecting me to be impressed by the wax seal and gaudy ribbon that hung from it.

Mister Garek, He implored again, his voice ever so slightly shrill. You have a contractual obligation!

My silence remained the only answer.

Remove yourself from my property, or you will be removed. I rumbled. I meant it. Gol peaked out from behind a stand of trees, and I briefly considered siccing the burly beast on the shrill human.

Mister Garek, He sniffed in return, chest puffed up. Are you threatening violence on an agent of the lawful regent!?

I do not threaten, taxman. I promise, and I deliver on my promises. I shifted closer to loom over him, and the man seemed to realize how small he was before me. I could kill him, here and now. Feed his carcass to the biter pods and have them grow. The Garek who inhabited this body before me would have. Inwardly, I hesitated, as I wanted to be a better man.

He didnt know that.

Aha! He exclaimed finger waved at me. You have broken the law, beast!

It was about then that several riders appeared down the same road he had come from. A green standard with a golden lion upon it. Same color as the men who had loitered around Hullbretch. Baron Iroonmoors men, I wagered. They had come loaded for bear.

This was not a coincidence.

The greasy taxman was smarter than I had wagered. Perhaps a communication spell? That glowing parchment he opened by mistake earlier. Everything afterwards had been bait. I grabbed for the man and found him already gone. He moved at unnatural speed, off towards the riders. If he could not intimidate me with legalese, he was happy to resort to more thuggish means, it seemed.

But I was not about to roll over and let them have what they wanted without a fight.

I had Gareks claymore at my side today, and eyes narrowed, I drew it and planted myself in the middle of the road. Eyes focused on the riders, I whistled to Gol, and to no ones surprise, the beast just yawned and stayed hidden. Why had I expected anything else?

The riders approached as the taxman waved them past, their weapons drawn. They had come for gold, and they would take it by force, or so they thought. Any nervousness hidden, I steeled myself and sank into Gareks memories. A man of peace, I wanted to be, but that was not possible today. These men came to take what was mine, and fully expected to shed my blood in the process.

They had crossbows, I saw as they drew near. Loaded and ready to fire. Which they did immediately. No warning, no boasts, just spread out, raised their weapons and fired. I had Ironhide.

The bolts ricocheted from my skin as I charged at them, massive claymore in one hand. They were here to kill, but I was no easy prey. The first mans horse, being a horse, reared as I approached. The rider was thrown to the ground, and the beast fled in panic as I loomed. To his credit, the thug was on his feet in a heartbeat, likely the product of some skill. He wielded a mace in both hand and backed up hastily.

I could see the horses moving to flank me as more closed in from the sides. Spears glinted in the afternoon light as they galloped at me.

My lungs opened, and Scream of Fury shook the air. Beasts reared and turned aside in sudden panic at the noise. It was all I needed to step close, swat aside the thugs mace and cleave him in half with a single swing of my blade. I grabbed his spear from where it lay next to the rapidly dying man, hoisted it up, and threw it like a javelin.

It pierced another rider through the chest and yanked them from the saddle. And just like that, the tide turned. I needed not kill them all, merely a few to break their morale. The riders wheeled and fled in panic, dust raised as they galloped away in all haste.

And now, I was left with the favourite past-time of every tax evader. Body disposal.

The knowledge that I had just killed multiple people in the space between moments struck me, and I found that I rather didnt care. I had no connection to these people. They had come to kill me and take what was mine, and should have weighed their lives to have more value beforehand. I was not some unfeeling beast, or so I hoped, yet I had little empathy for these thugs.

Gol finally trotted out from where he had hidden and wandered over to the pierced man. His chest had been crushed by the force of the spear, it seemed. Died almost immediately. Hmm. If I owed a pen of hogs, disposing of the corpses completely would be simple. Instead, I could feed the plants.

Either way, I had made new enemies today. Or perhaps revealed some that were merely hidden.

Fully aware that what I was doing seemed wildly psychotic, I hefted the claymore and began to hew the corpses apart. Not there, of course. I didnt want the bloodstains all over the road, but near the plants. The men wore no armor, save for some light leather. The maceman had a nose broken several times, some light stubble, and a mouth open in an eternal scream.

He got fed to the biters. I watched in morbid fascination as the fangs from the pods rounded mouths closed around his flesh and pulled away neat chunks with ease. They hungered, and soon an entire mass of vines were bent together, swarmed over the bodys remnants. Suddenly feeling inwardly nauseous, I tossed the rest in for them to pick clean in due time and turned away.

I hadnt killed before. Garek had, in absolutely copious amounts. But me? No.

The worst part about it was how little I felt.

It was then that I was reminded of the horses the thugs had left behind. Well, this day might end up being a net positive after all. It took far, far more time than I was proud of to approach the animals. I couldnt catch them, not when they had so much space to run off to, and my scents frightened them. But I persevered, slowly moving towards them with soft, gentle words and slow movements. In the end, I did catch up to them, one at a time, and led them over to the pasture.

I didnt bother working more that day. I now had a new enemy to chew over, and an already eventful day behind me.

The taxman showed up. Was what I explained to Ishila and Lerish once they returned, several massive cows driven before them. The herd, or rather group, stomped and snorted the entire time as we drove them to pasture.

Mmmm. The huntress nodded. Ironmoors debts?

I sighed and confirmed, that yes, there had been inherited debts.

Refused to pay? Good. She nodded. Leech wants a bite of area. Fuck him and his thugs.

They don come further than our place. Ishila nodded solemnly. Scared of Ma.

Lot of things with sense are. Lerish shrugged. Lots of farms long this road they still shake down, though.

They left several men short today, and I am several horses heavier than I was yesterday. They attacked without warning, and I defended myself. Didn't want to, but I did.

Good.

The huntress and Ishila stayed for supper as we sat in the shade of evening, a fresh, small herd of cattle put to pasture. The animals were much larger than what cattle I was used to, their coats dark red and thick obsidian horns above their heads. Similar to mine.

Ishila noticed my looks and scratched at her neck before she spoke.

My theory don hold much water, but Id wager they were modified with minotaur essence. She paused. Kinda weird though, no?

I laughed and waved her concerns off, assuring her that all was fine. They could be milked all the same, and it mattered little to me what they had been modified with.

Ironmoor, tho. She spoke, a frown on her face as she leaned forward in her seat. Pa says hes a leech, but a dangerous one. Big name, from an old house, in good with the crown, lets of riders under his banner.

Bad man. Lerish grunted, side turned to us. Dont underestimate him. He loves conflict. Peace burns a hole in his pocket, methinks. Bad metaphor.

He should be distracted, for a time. The Riders of the Verdant Dawn are gathered in Hullbretch, and he apparently has a feud with them.

Hmmm. Ill head out then. Lerish suddenly announced. Ishila bounced to her feet and volunteered to keep her company up the road, a matter I wished them luck with. With them gone, it was once again me and Gol in each others meager company. After some time, I remarked that the unpleasant business of killing aside, the day had gone rather well. I now had several new cows, a pair of horses, the contents of their saddlebags and knowledge.

A wee bit lighter on gold, but Garek had a very nice amount left, and this being a farm built from nothing, investments would have to be made. Still, the bulk of spending was now behind me, and soon it would be time to see the profit. And I could not wait.

Farmer Level Four reached. Sleep to apply.

The local authorities have branded you a Tax Evader. Status updated.