Losing My Religion

Part 3, Chapter 6.5

Amber

“What do you need, Amber?” Sophia asked, laying behind me with one arm draped over my side.

“I… I want to experiment with something I wouldn’t do with Lily.”

“Such as…?” Her hand slid from my front to my hip and stroked up and down.

I clenched my eyes shut and pushed through my embarrassment. “Maybe if you tied me up… and spanked me a bit.”

“Hmm,” her tone gave nothing away about how interested she was, “And why wouldn’t you feel comfortable doing that with Lily?”

I relaxed slightly. “I don’t think it’s that I wouldn’t be comfortable with it… it’s more that I like topping her, and I have no intentions of shaking that up.”

“And you’re sure you want this? It’s kind of intense for our first time.”

“We don’t have to go super intense or anything,” my confidence flowed again once I was explaining my reasoning, “I think I just want to experience a loss of control right now, to let me feel like dealing with my mother isn’t my responsibility for a minute.”

Her hand moved to my thigh, drawing sensual circles with her dull fingernails as her voice grew more sly. “Let me go find some rope, I think I actually have some…” she stood and bounced over to her closet, excited, “And I’m definitely kissing you when I get back, so prepare yourself for that.”

I smiled. I’m more than prepared.

When Sophia made her way back to where I lay on her bed, nylon rope in her hand, a sense of calm washed over me. Rather than worrying about what we were about to do and how I might mess it up, I’d accepted that my fate was in Sophia’s hands. 

It was up to her to take the initiative, and that was exactly what I needed.

She placed the rope on her nightstand, an unremarkable piece of wood that was there when you needed it, but otherwise unnoticeable, and climbed back onto her bed, kneeling over me on all fours.

We stared into each other’s eyes, tension building just like every other time our gazes had met. 

My hands twitched at my sides. Am I supposed to be touching her? Does she want me to lean up to kiss her? Or should I be acting more like Lily? Oh god, I never showered after my morning run...

Her hand came up to stroke my cheek. “No thoughts allowed in that pretty little head of yours, okay?”

I nodded and let myself sink into the bed, pressed down further when Sophia let her hips fall onto me, pressing her tight jeans into my exercise shorts.

Then, she kissed me.

It was gentle and tentative, her soft lips light on mine. If I’d previously thought about what it would be like to kiss her  – that one time didn’t count – I would've thought that we would battle, both vying for domination, channeling our respective angst. Reality surprised me, as it often did, the discussion we’d just had completely shifting our dynamic into uncharted territory.

All because of that stupid letter… Thank you Lily.

She was impossibly tender with me, exerting barely enough force to be felt, but still undeniably in control. I tried to pick up the pace by bringing my hand behind her hips to explore and adding my tongue into the mix, but she easily circumvented my attempt, slowing the pace of her kisses down further and caressing down my front with a slow, deliberate touch. 

Her lingering kisses soon became little nibbles, and any semblance of me being a participant in my own pleasure went out the window as I lay there, giving my body up to be owned by her. My mouth hung slightly open, pants escaping, as she moved around my lips and face with her mouth, pecking and biting whatever caught her fancy.

It started out normal enough, a bite on my bottom lip, a kiss on my cheek. Soon, however, after a wild passion had built in her eyes and the aroma of sweat and arousal mixed in the space between us, she licked up and down the sides of my face while holding it in place, long possessive strokes that said I was hers to be consumed.

Pov: you’re a popsicle on a hot summer day… A short, airy giggle escaped me at the thought, fueled further by the ticklish sensation of her warm, wet tongue running over my skin.

Sophia straightened, her weight pressing into me where her hips straddled mine, and looked down on me with fulfillment in her slightly dilated pupils. “Now that’s more like it. An empty head suits a–” She cut herself off with a shake of her head, “We still need to talk about boundaries and safewords, if you still want to do this,” she gestured towards where the rope still lay.

I closed my eyes for a moment, the cold air in the room making me all too aware of the wetness coating most of my face. I held back a sarcastic comment, instead nodding silently.

“Okay,” She rolled her neck and refocused on me. “Red or stop immediately halts what we’re doing, either of us can say it at any time when we feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable.”

She looked into my eyes, waiting to continue until I nodded.

“Use yellow if we want to take a breather or we want to discuss something outside of whatever role-play or dirty talk we’re doing. And of course yes or green means everything is good, and you want to continue.”

This time she wasn’t satisfied with just a nod. “The safeword is?”

“Red or stop,” I answered.

“Alright. Now what specifically do you want?”

I took a second to gather my thoughts, reaching my hand up to wipe my face before thinking better of it. “Um, so… bondage: I’m thinking you can tie up my wrists, like above my head using the headboard,” I gestured behind me, “And as for hitting me, you can slap me hard enough to make my skin red, but not enough to bruise – and nothing blunt, slaps only.”

While she was thinking over my answer, another important piece of information popped into my head, “Oh, and nothing on my head. Everywhere else is fair game though.”

Her eyebrows raised for a moment, dropping as the corners of her mouth climbed, “Hmm… And what about other forms of pain? Can I choke you?”

My body shivered under her gaze as she asked that, and it took a second for me to play it again in my head before I understood well enough to answer. “Yes, but only gently; don’t actually cut off my air.”

She chuckled lightly, “Alright, last check before we get the fun started: do you want me to be domineering too?”

I couldn’t stop my gaze from taking a trip up and down her body, lingering on the point where her hips still lay on mine. “Yes.”

She quickly got to work taking her shirt off, “Let’s get this started.”

I followed suit, wiggling out of my top, and starting to mop up my sticky face with it.

Sophia stopped me, however, holding on to my wrist. “No. Leave it alone,” she commanded, grabbing my shirt from me and tossing it across the room.

I simply stared at her, biting my bottom lip; I didn't have a response to give.

Our game began with a simple move from her, gathering my wrists together, crossed above my head, and holding them down with one of her hands while she used the other to peel off my sports bra. 

It was certainly an inefficient way to undress me, without my cooperation and with only one of her hands, but that was part of the point, wasn’t it? It was the fact that even as she was doing something awkward and clumsy, her eyes remained focused on mine without a hint of uncertainty. It was the way her weight pressed into me, making me genuinely unsure if I could escape by force. 

And, most importantly, it was the fact that I could feel every instinct in me rebelling, telling me not to let myself be vulnerable, to always keep an ace in my back pocket – but I refused to listen.

Sophia leaned back and towered over my panting, topless form, appreciating the view she’d uncovered. “Wow, look at how worked up you are… I’m not sure if I’ll even have to touch you,” she smirked.

“Yellow,” I laughed, shaking my head, “I’m not Lily; that’s not doing it for me.”

“Oh,” she tilted her head, “Is there something you’d prefer?”

I sighed, forcing myself to be honest with her, as hard as it was. “I think the opposite would work better…”

She couldn’t stop herself from smirking again, “Oh, you want me to praise you. That’s not a big ask, you have plenty to praise…” she leaned forward, her hands landing on the bottom of my ribcage with a light stereo slap before sliding up to squeeze my breasts, “You’re so unbelievably sexy, Amber… Our girlfriend is a literal shapeshifting sex demon, and I still couldn’t help myself from noticing you…”

A feeling of rightness filled me, mixing with little hits of euphoria as I took in her words. I wanted to tell her that she had the right idea, knowing it was important to communicate well, but I squirmed in place instead, my head turning back and forth to avoid Sophia’s gaze for moments at a time.

She got the message anyway, drinking in my obvious pleasure with mirth. “And you’re keeping your hands above your head, what a good girl… Does my good girl want to be rewarded for behaving?”

I nodded, bucking my hips into hers to make it clear what I wanted.

Sophia rolled her hips into me right back, maintaining her assault on my chest, hands squeezing and groping, barely giving my nipples enough incidental attention to bring me any real pleasure. “Hmm, watching such a powerful woman come undone will be its own treat to me… But don’t think you can escape being spanked just by being pretty – if anything it only makes me want to do it more.”

She let off her pressure and got off me, standing to wiggle out of her jeans. A smirk danced across her face when she saw me watching her rather than worrying about undressing myself – it didn’t need to be said that I was supposed to wait for her to do it for me.

Once her curves were completely unrestrained – and thoroughly appreciated by my gaze – she turned her attention to the rope, picking it up and playing with the tangles in her hand. “You’re sure you want this?”

“Yes,” I answered, no doubt in my voice. As fun as holding myself in the position was, I didn’t just want to feel submissive, I wanted to feel trapped – without control or power.

She began sliding the sleek black cable through the headboard, looping it over once and acting with a detached calm that I couldn’t match as my heart rate slowly climbed. When it came time to secure my wrists, she slipped the cord around me, wrapping it around each limb individually before tying a loose bow with more than enough room for me to wiggle around. 

The feeling of the material on my skin was prominent, demanding to be noticed and analyzed. The sensation itself was soft and dry, with the slightest hint of itchiness pricking at me. What was more important, however, and what was demanding my attention, was the sudden feeling that I couldn’t bring my arms down to cover myself. Before, it had been a choice, and while it still technically was – given that I could always use the safeword – the physicality of my loss of control was striking. 

While I was mulling over my position, Sophia was getting ready to continue. She was kneeling to the side of my hips, facing my body, eyes focused on mine. “You okay? It’s not too tight, right?”

“It’s good, thank you,” I said shyly. Thanking Sophia for tying me up, what is my life coming to?

She gave me another satisfied smile, before grabbing either side of my exercise shorts and slowly tugging them down.

Having an attractive woman undress me was already something that I enjoyed, the way the elastic waistband clung to my skin, caressing down my legs as her eyes drank in the newly exposed flesh. 

Something that added to that experience, shifted and warped it into something new, was the fact that I was unable to participate. My hips wiggled and bucked involuntarily as Sophia’s fingertips dragged down, my whole body tingling and my brain fighting between satisfaction and vulnerability. 

I was exposed, not even hidden by the grace of motion because of the simple fact that I couldn’t move. Sophia could see the harsh tan line on my upper thigh, the scar on my outer hip where I’d been bitten by a chimera, and, if she lifted my legs, she would see the splotchy birthmark on the underside of my thigh. It was all in her control. I was in her control.

And she was not afraid to use that control. She slipped my underwear off with much less ceremony, tossing them across the room to join my shirt, and kneeled in front of my exposed sex, running her hands up and down my inner thighs. “I want you on your front, with your ass up. I have plans for it.”

I listened, thankful that there was enough slack in the rope to twist my wrists over without the kink being uncomfortable. Before I could lay my front down, I tried to scoot a pillow for me to lay on with my elbows, but I couldn’t without the precision of my hands.

Sophia helped, reaching over to position me how she wanted, and petting the top of my head as I rested it on the pillow, my ass propped up by my knees like she’d asked. My head was turned to the side, so I could see what was happening behind me as she ran her hands down my body and lined herself up with me as if she was about to enter me from behind.

“Don’t you think we fit together like this surprisingly well? It’s just…” her hands grabbed either side of my hips and thrust forward, slapping her flesh against mine, “so perfect,” she finished. 

I groaned, turning my mouth so it was somewhat muffled by the pillow. I wasn’t sure how thin the walls of her dorm were, but I didn’t want to make it too obvious what was going on inside.

One of her hands caressed my asscheek, playing with the firm, yet pliable muscle. “I think I’ll start here…”

One warning tap was all I got before, after a short pause, her hand came back down on me, sound reverberating through the surroundings and rocking my body forward. Hot pain radiated out from below, stinging and burning in equal parts. A moment later the cool air started to set in, chilling the outermost skin while the lingering warmth radiated inwards.

Honestly, I hadn’t figured out why I’d asked for Sophia to hit me – at least not with the same confidence as with the bondage. With being tied up, it was clear to me that my concern was with control; I wanted Sophia to have control over me, for me to be powerless. And maybe I could claim that being spanked was an extension of that, a demonstration of her power over me, but that explanation felt incomplete.

It also left out why I was so hungry for praise, why I preened and squirmed under her reverent gaze, why I’d asked for something other than her topping me without any kinky stuff in the first place. 

Why did I want her approval? Why did I want her to claim me, to exercise her power over me in a controlling and almost violent fashion? 

I decided to leave those questions unanswered for now, confident in the knowledge that I wouldn’t like the answers.

Thankfully Sophia was satisfied with my blissed out smile as confirmation to continue, and struck my other side, clearing all of the worries out of my head. 

This time, I was already somewhat numb to the pain and shock, better able to focus on the rippling of my flesh and my building arousal, which took form as a tingling heat spreading across my body to linger just under my skin at every joint and limb. I let out a delayed moan, partially to express how much I was enjoying myself and partially to let out the built up tension of the situation, my mind already on a different kind of release I desperately needed.

The rope tensed on my outer wrists as I instinctually pulled my hands apart, trying to grasp out for stability. The unignorable reminder of my restraints caused another wave of nervous energy to burst in me, overwhelming my senses. “Fuck me,” I hissed, turning my head past the pillow.

“It’d be my pleasure,” she purred in response, brushing her fingertips between my legs, drawing both of our attention to the wetness pooling there. 

In response to an enthusiastically moaned ‘yes’ from me, two of her fingers thrust deeper, stirring pleasure inside me and threatening the stability of my knees, which were still propping up my hips, if a bit tenuously. Thankfully, Sophia saw this coming, and as her digits entered me, she was bending over my body and using her other arm to support me from below, pressing her breasts into my bare back. 

Another tug at the rope – this one downward as my body tried to throw itself onto Sophia’s hand – reminded me of my situation, frustrating and exciting me all at once. 

She whispered, “God, you’re even more beautiful when you give yourself up to me and come apart on my hand.” Her face wasn’t quite buried in my hair given how tall I was, but it was close enough for her teasing to be plenty effective, eliciting a high whine out of me.

God, I really do sound like Lily right now. I hope I’ll still be able to top her when she comes back…

Thoughts of my girlfriend (my other girlfriend?) were quickly blown out of my mind by Sophia’s two thrusting fingers, quickly joined by a third. Euphoria pulsed through me, fogging my head and my senses, excitement and passion building in me with a rising rhythm threatening to reach a crescendo. “Hit me,” I hissed, desperate to feel more, to exorcize the complicated emotions I had deep inside me, long calcified by years of repression.

Just as I was thinking she didn’t hear me, Sophia responded with, “Where?”

I resisted the urge to say I didn’t care, knowing it wouldn’t be productive. “Back,” I said.

After a brief hesitation, the strike came, a little blunt for my tastes, ringing through the side of my upper back, but it felt better than ever nonetheless, mixing with the pleasurable squelching between my legs. 

When I’d first given my body up to Sophia, simply letting her hold me from behind, I’d noticed the way my apprehension, arousal, and affirmation had all remained distinct sensations. Now, however, I was left with the capacity to feel only one emotion, my focus eradicated along with any nuance in the situation I could’ve appreciated.

Part of me wanted to call that which I was feeling horniness, to reduce it to the base urges of sex, but, even without the ability to appreciate the multifaceted nature of my feelings, it was clear that was a cowardly mischaracterization. The truth was closer to liberation, and while that did encompass sexual liberation, it was more important for me to recognize the self-determination aspect of it. 

All of that was to say that when I screamed “Harder,” at Sophia, it was an expression of that feeling, an expression of my frustration at having been controlled and deceived for so long. 

It shouldn’t be a surprise things didn’t exactly go well from there.

Shock and pain rolled through my delirious mind, and in my almost drunken stupor it took me a few moments to even piece together what had happened.

In the seconds after Sophia’s second strike to my back, I registered the fact that I was laying flat on the bed – my hips having fallen – that Sophia’s hand had fallen out of me, leaving me twitching and pent-up, and our dual panting breaths filling the still silence that filled the room.

I tugged at my restraints yet again as I spun around to lay on my back, this time more annoyed at them than anything. 

My gaze drilled into Sophia’s wide panicked eyes. “Fuck. Do it again,” I moaned, completely oblivious to her distress.

She shook her head, blinking her apprehension away. “No. This is going too far.”

I pulled against the rope, my body squirming and unfulfilled on her mattress, “Please just hit me…”

“Amber, stop. I’m not comfortable with this,” her body finally began moving, crawling around me towards my hands, “Let me get you undone and we can talk about this.”

I let out a wordless yell, bucking my hips and pulling at the headboard. “Sophia, I need…” I couldn’t finish; I didn’t know what I needed. 

Did I need to come? Was it really necessary for Sophia to strike me again? Did I want to be let free?

In truth, I think there was nothing that could’ve satisfied me in that moment, no sensation physical, emotional, or sexual could’ve provided what I was looking for.

Sophia fumbled against the tightened knot, struggling to get it open, the tension and movement I was providing not helping. “Fuck, Amber. Sit still!”

I pulled harder, as if that would get my hands free so she could just leave me alone. 

Contrary to my expectations, she did leave me alone, getting off the bed with another curse, and frantically searching through her desk while I continued panting and fidgeting. 

She finally came back a couple dozen seconds later with a long pair of scissors in her hands. She leaned over my panicking form and managed to snip me away from the headboard without cutting me, although my wrists remained stuck together. “Are you okay?” she asked, worried look on her face, as I rolled over and sat up, panting with wide eyes.

My mind, which had been impossibly chaotic until that point, emptied, no goal beyond escaping my bondage left to achieve. 

“What are you upset about, Amber? Let me have it,” Sophia beckoned. 

“I…” I blinked, my gaze falling to my still-bound wrists and the rest of the empty mattress in front of me, sheets distressed and damp from our antics. Shame creeped in as my high dissipated. 

‘I did it again…’ I thought, but I didn’t know where to start with apologizing. I let myself fall over, laying on my side facing Sophia, my wrists in front of me.

“Amber?” She stepped towards the bed again, reaching a hand out towards my limp form.

“I’m sorry…

“What? I–” she climbed onto the bed to lay in front of me, and set about untwisting the remaining binding around my hands. “I’m not mad at you, Amber. We went a bit further than we should’ve for our first time, especially given everything else going on, and that blew up on us, but that’s okay.”

I surrendered my hands to her, watching as she carefully picked at the remaining knot. “I… I’m sorry anyways. I just feel so… I don’t know, overwhelmed?” My eyes darted up to hers, which were still fixated on solving the mess I’d gotten myself in, “Why aren’t you mad at me? I don’t get it,” I finished, confusion permeating my voice.

“You’re hurting,” she said gently, finally freeing my wrists, “It doesn’t feel good for you to take that out on me, and maybe if it had been more like what had happened between you and Lily I would be more upset right now, but all I can see in your actions is that you’re afraid, and me trying to ‘punish’ you for that isn’t productive.”

“I don’t want to hurt you Sophia…”

“Then learn. You have the chance to change, to right your wrongs.”

I sighed, reaching across the space between us to hold her. “Okay…” I knew I still had a long way to go trying to unlearn half of what I’d done so far in my life. “Are we okay? Do you still want to try with me?”

She smirked, “It’s going to take more than some kinky sex gone awry to scare me away babe,” our bodies embraced, the tension finally dissipating, “And you owe me a few dates, we need some good stories to tell Lily.”

I chuckled, relaxing into her naked body that I was disappointedly going to have to wait to explore. Sleep soon overtook us both, leading me into confused dreams of endlessly searching for Sophia and Lily so I could apologize to them.