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Chapter 271 – Second Chances
Chapter 271 – Second Chances
CHAPTER 271 - Second Chances
Training a Tyranitar was hard.
Well, correction, it was hard when not being in the middle of nowhere, like when I could bring my team up to that mountain on route 214 where no one would ever come. There were a decent amount of trainers around Sandgem, and our training only helped to worsen the rumors. Sweetheart had grown extremely powerful, and her practice with manipulating the ground could be heard for miles. At the very least, she'd stopped yelling every time she succeeded with something, so that was a plus. At the end of every session, I had Princess fix the ground, but Angel couldn't just regrow the grass like nothing had happened, so we left a trail of overturned earth everywhere we went, and people noticed.
And now, Sandgem's Rangers were investigating. They couldn't let a potentially dangerous Pokemon slide, and they probably thought they would have wandered from somewhere off-route. At first I'd been planning to just leave tomorrow morning to make the entire situation go away. In the first place, the only reason I was staying near Sandgem was to get used to my empathy, since I could afford to spend the few days I'd planned to stay in Jubilife here. My father had been morbid when he heard I wasn't coming, but after a few calls with me he realized my visit to Twinleaf hadn't completely ruined me and the cause was something else entirely— something I couldn't reveal. But my Dad trusted me. He knew from my tone when I was lying or being truthful, so he had agreed to let me go, so long as I saw him when I passed by the city again for my meeting with Poketch.
Not that he would have been able to stop me anyway.
But I was trying to be a better person. That was the whole point, right? So instead, I would go to the Ranger Station in Sandgem first thing in the morning and confess that the ruckus was all me. From that point on, they'd be able to deduce Sweetheart evolved, and it would probably leak, but… that was okay. Better that than sending them on a wild chase for a Pokemon that was no longer there. Already, they had warned trainers off this route, and I didn't want to stop aspiring trainers from being able to simulate living in the wild. There were already people prepping for the next Circuit. Fresh faces, just turning fifteen and hoping to make it big next year.
I sighed, snuggling against Buddy for warmth. He made his body softer for me and warmed it with a low-power scald, so he was very comfy, and Sunshine was off duty for now, instead having laid down a few feet away from the tree we were sitting under so the sunlight could hit his scales tomorrow morning. Princess was currently feeding Sweetheart earth by lifting it to her mouth, since she was apparently too lazy to do it herself. Yes, she'd trained a lot of hours, but that was an excuse if I'd ever heard one, and her sister was content enough to dote on her. She'd taken to her caretaker role without complaint, but then again, she'd always had a soft spot for Sweetheart. She was the only one Princess never sassed.
Honey played tug of war with Angel for two purposes. One, obviously for fun, but the grass type was trying to improve the strength of his vines through regeneration from Ingrain, and Honey was my second strongest in terms of physical strength. Mudsdale was currently munching on some grass while half-asleep. He had been a good teacher for Sweetheart, in terms of getting her accustomed to manipulating the ground. He didn't want to get too involved, but he'd given her some pointers to get started.
…
Now what?
Thoughts. I needed thought, or what had happened yesterday would resurface. I had flaked. I'd fucking run away from coming clean, and it was all because I was a coward. When Mira had asked me to explain my powers in more detail, I'd dodged the question entirely, but hiding it hadn't even been in the plan! The thought of them knowing I could rewrite their feelings at will was terrifying, because I knew they'd be scared of me. While they could own someone for around an hour, I could subtly change people until they became mine forever, if given enough time. Who the hell wouldn't be scared of me? I also knew it couldn't stay hidden for too long. At some point, the rubber would have to meet the road. I couldn't keep stacking secrets on top of one another and hope that wouldn't blow up in my face. The worst of it was that when I'd turned on my phone the next morning, Cecilia had called ten times, and now she hadn't tried to contact me since, and I didn't know if it was because she'd given up on me or was pissed. Honestly, the former possibility was a lot worse—
A deep rumble snapped me from my thoughts, and I slightly sank deeper into Jellicent.
"Sorry," I muttered. "I guess I'm just worried about stuff. My friends."
Anxiety rose within the ghost like a dim, flickering flame, as it was always the case with him. Other than hate or anger, which I rarely saw these days, he was not someone to build up his emotions quickly. Whatever he felt, it would always come slowly, like a building tide. He told me to talk to Aliyah about it tomorrow instead of avoiding the topic like the plague. I knew he was right, but I was scared that she'd be disappointed in me backpedaling about honesty.
"Legendaries, I'm so stupid. She won't judge me. There's no way she will."
Buddy heartily agreed. I'd never expected him to approve of anyone who wasn't a part of the family, so this was a nice surprise. Still, I needed to tell my friends about the extent of my empathy. Aliyah had said the road you walk matters little compared to the destination. And that destination was coming clean about everything before we all met again. It'd be better to give them some time to digest everything about me over a few days instead of dropping it on them face-to-face.
You're also a coward who can't handle telling them the truth in person.
I sighed, rummaging through my bag until I found the history book about Sinnoh's we'd been going through.
"How about some more reading?"
—
I didn't know what I had expected, flying into Sandgem. I nearly collapsed when I stepped off Princess to the point where random passersby asked if I needed an ambulance. It had come as a slight tinge of unease as we had approached, but now it was just an overwhelming wave that never ceased. There was just so much everywhere. Commuters stressed or annoyed about work, excited tourists going to the beach early, trainers determined to make a difference and train the entire day. It was all so overwhelming. My head was pounding against my skull, and my heart was beating so quickly I felt like I was getting a heart attack. Princess cried out, asking me to get back on so we could fly away. I wasn't ready, she'd said. I could just call. But if I never pushed myself, then I'd never actually learn to deal with this.
I closed my eyes, and despite still being able to feel and faintly see the colors, it helped me center myself. Focus. Let the emotions fade, just like you used to do. I took a deep breath and took my first step, turning toward Princess to remove her saddle.
"I'm alright," I rasped. "It's slowly getting better. I just need to bear with it…"
This was just like when I'd needed to build a tolerance to telepathy. It would be painful, but it would be worth it. I folded the saddle and shoved it in my bag that I struggled to close for thirty seconds straight, and then I released Angel so he could carry me to the Ranger station, which was one block away from the landing pad. What Mesprit had failed to warn me about was that feeling so many emotions at once would screw with mine too. Since it was currently the morning rush, when most people walked and drove to work, I started feeling anxious about a job I didn't have. For an instant, I allowed myself to grow jealous of Cecilia and Chase, who had never had to deal with any of this. Empathy came with so many drawbacks that I almost regretted having touched that lake. Now, not only would I have to grow used to this for weeks, but I had to deal with being terrified of slipping down the morality slope.
I could fix Justin, now. If I was being honest with myself, I regretted having said no to practicing on that prisoner. It was the right thing to do, but if I eventually told Justin about these powers and asked him if he wanted to be fixed and got him to consent, then what? I'd never be able to do it, because practicing on innocents would be psychotic, and there would be no better opportunity to learn. If my therapist hadn't been in that room, I probably would have agreed.
Not that I blamed her at all. I was glad she'd been here, but I couldn't rely on others to be my moral compass forever, could I? Even if I'd never be able to think that prisoner didn't deserve punishment, I could grow enough to say no without having someone to push me to say no.
But now I was just going in circles. I could go one day without worrying about if I was a monster or not. I had Angel drop me off in front of the Ranger station, and he told me to be careful in there, in his own way. I caressed his vines for a few minutes, putting my throbbing forehead against his head and told him how much I loved him a bunch. He didn't hear it enough, these days.
"Why don't you— ugh." I stopped when I felt a spike somewhere on the street. My eyes drifted across the road until I saw that a car had bumped into another, and that had somehow reverberated through the traffic because they were all wasting time. "You can hang out here and get some sun. I'll be right back."
Angel nodded, and he settled on the sidewalk as I walked inside of the Ranger building. The first time I'd stepped into one of these in Veilstone, I'd been so angry that they'd brought Pokemon to the gate, when really they'd just been doing their jobs and I could have been a lot less aggressive about explaining myself. Granted, I still believed my point stood, but who wasn't going to guard a gate when hundreds of Pokemon were walking toward it?
"Are you— are you okay?" the Ranger at reception asked me. Did I look that bad?
"Yeah, I'm alright," I stammered. "Uh, I'm here to report about the Pokemon you guys were looking for out west?"
"Are you sure you don't want me to take you to a Center—"
"Look, the faster we do this, the faster I can leave," I snapped. "I'm sorry, but I really don't need any help. I know which Pokemon it is. It's mine. My Pupitar evolved and she's been training around here. I was…" I trailed off, considering what to say. "I was sick, so I couldn't come in earlier."
Really edging between a lie and the truth there, Grace, I internally groaned.
"So you… own a Tyranitar?" he slowly said, surprise and awe lighting within him. Better that than being worried about me.
"Yes," I groaned. "I'm sorry, but can we hurry this up?"
I was deeply regretting my choices right now, and more so with each minute that passed. Jubilife definitely would have put me in a coma. Mesprit had been such an ass for not warning me about this…
"Um, sure, we can verify that."
Someone behind me called out. "Did she just say Tyranitar?"
Oh, goodness me.
—
I was the only trainer in Sinnoh with a Tyranitar. Big fucking deal. Right now, I was too tired to give a crap. They had me spend thirty minutes in this station, working on whatever it was Rangers did when they weren't out on a Route. I thought they'd just use one of those devices they had me put Sunshine's Pokeball in when I'd first caught him, but no, supposedly they had to keep me here for longer. At this point, my clothes were drenched in sweat, and they were blasting air conditioning here because it was spring and we Sinnohans couldn't go five minutes with the temperature being over twenty degrees. Finally, though, a Ranger came back and handed me Sweetheart's Pokeball.
"Thank you for reporting this…" she said, slowing as she got to me. Wow, she thought I looked like hell. Really? So bad your colors were that bright? "Are you okay?"
Tenth person to ask me the question, I silently groaned. "Yes, thanks," I said, grabbing the Pokeball. I struggled to clip it back to my belt for a while, but I eventually got it done, thank the Legendaries. "I can leave now, right?"
"Um, I had some news… unless you want to get to a Center—"
The girl paled. I must have glared.
"Sorry about that," I quickly said. "It's just been a couple of days… weeks. Maybe months."
But she knew that. Her opinion of me had soured slightly anyway, probably because I'd been an ass and she was just doing whatever her superiors asked of her.
"Anyway, go ahead," I finally said.
"Professor Rowan has called our Captain. He wants to meet you."
"He wants to meet my Tyranitar," I corrected.
The girl grimaced. Why the hell was she scared of me? I apologized! "Most likely," she muttered under her breath.
"Can he do this in the middle of a route or something?" I asked, slowly rising from my seat.
"Well, I wouldn't know, Ms. Pastel."
"Got it. I'll just… ask. And again, I'm sorry for blowing up at you. Where does he want to meet?"
"At his lab," she said.
There you go. The colors started to warm again, now. What she felt was relief, mostly. Since I couldn't turn my empathy off at the moment, I'd be a fool to just ignore it. Plus, hyperfocusing on what one person felt had actually helped my headache a little bit. Parts of me wondered if I could feel out Team Galactic's base with this, but there was a reason the League hadn't asked me. Sniffing out a base when every building would have people in it would be nigh impossible. When I exited the building, I noticed Tangrowth was playing with a kid who couldn't have been a day over five while his parents watched nearby.
Needless to say, he was depressed when I told him we had to go. Headache or not, I wasn't going to keep Rowan waiting.
—
Thankfully, Sinnoh's most well-known and foremost professor wasn't giving a speech today, and the front of his lab was relatively empty. Even better, it was near the outskirts of the city, so I no longer felt like I was drowning beneath a huge wave of emotions, even if I could still barely function. My throat felt horribly dry, and I was starting to grow nauseous, but other than that and the debilitating headache, I was just peachy.
"Look, if you're so worried about me, you can come in," I told Princess. "But this is honestly better than the Ranger station, so I'm fine."
She hovered over me and pouted really cutely, but when I went to scratch her chin she threw herself away from me like a dramatic diva.
"Fine. No scratches. Your mom's suffering and you won't even let her pet you," I said.
She half-opened an eye and Angel panicked slightly when he thought I was actually serious. I laughed— and laughing made my headache get worse— and I had them follow me into Rowan's lab. The courtyard was desolate, especially when compared to when he was giving his speech a few days ago. I would have thought that it would be bustling with his assistants, or maybe Pokemon Barry had brought back. Rowan actually had no Pokemon of his own, which was unique for a Pokemon Professor of his caliber. He focused on studying the evolution phenomenon, so he liked filtering through a lot of Pokemon, none of which stayed permanently, according to Barry. Those who didn't go back to the wild, he would hand over to the Rangers or experienced trainers he trusted willing to take in a stray. Before going inside, I turned to my two Pokemon. Tangrowth had been continuously poking Togekiss in the wing, and she'd tried to bite off his vines.
"Stop bickering with Angel," I warned. Before she could spin an excuse, I clicked my tongue. "I don't care who started it, okay? This guy's a big deal. Either you behave, or I put you back in the Pokeball. Angel, don't touch anything. Or anyone." I stopped when he gestured, tying two opposite vines together and closing his eyes. "No, not even to say hello! Maybe I should have Buddy around for this… no, he'd glare. Honey? I guess coming in with three Pokemon would be rude— you know what, just act normal for five minutes. I have to fix my reputation—"
Someone was approaching the door. I cleared my throat, turned, and made sure I had wiped all of the sweat from my face. The door jingled as it opened, revealing a girl who was of average height and with sharp, striking grey eyes. Dawn, I recognized, though she wasn't wearing her beanie this time, and her dark blue hair was tied up. She had her brother's exact stare, but I didn't flinch this time.
"Good morning," she smiled after sizing me up. "How're you doing today?"
Small talk first, then. In a way, I was glad it was her. Her brother had kind of freaked me out when he'd stared at me the other day. She was calm in a way few were when they were meeting me for the first time these days, but that was refreshing, really.
"Could be doing better, all things considered," I said. "Uh, can my Pokemon come in?"
"Sure thing! The Professor's been dying to see you," Dawn beamed. "My name is Dawn Sinclair, by the way."
"Barry talked to me about you," I said as she let me in.
Angel looked around excitedly while Princess kept him in line, thank the Legendaries.
Her smile turned coy. "Good things, I'm sure."
"He holds you in very high regard," I said.
Rowan's lab was way too empty to be this large. The white tiles bounced the white light from the ceiling into my eyes and worsened my headache, but it'd be rude to complain. They were so clean that I could see my reflection off of them, and suddenly I felt bad for walking in with dirty shoes. There were two other assistants who I could see in total— one older-looking man and a young woman— though they looked at me with… not dislike, but suspicion, really. Like they thought me being here was a mistake. I'd gotten used to it at this point, and I couldn't really blame them, with the murder and all. This part of the lab was a single, huge room with a lot of machines that looked way too complicated for me to ever hope to understand, with cables going out of them and plugged into computers. One of them had an Eevee inside of it, though she looked quite comfortable in there and was dozing off with no signs of being in emotional of physical pain, so I let it slide. They were probably studying the properties of her numerous evolutions or something else I was too dumb to get.
"Sorry about the glares," Dawn nonchalantly said. "You're famous pretty much everywhere."
"It's alright," I said, mostly focusing on not making a face due to the headache. "They only know that version of me, and in retrospect, having Princess out isn't doing me any favors."
Considering she'd been the one who'd killed a man. The fairy type huffed, though she was behaving like I asked her.
Dawn chuckled. "You really do call her Princess. And which version of you would that be?" she asked, still facing ahead.
"You must have seen the video," I shrugged. "The one where I stand over a dying man."
She wasn't even perturbed by me, and that was kind of disconcerting, but also heartwarming? The only people I'd seen who hadn't been at least shaken to some extent were my friends or members of the League. Sure, there was a part of her that thought I was weird, but the surge of panic, anger, or fear that I expected thankfully never came. I relaxed slightly and somehow stopped fitting in the mold of 'the girl who killed someone' that I'd reflexively stepped into.
"I did see the video. Mind the Professor, will you? He's got a soft heart and might be a little tough on you," she said. "He's been having a spat with Cynthia, since all those hostages died. He knew a few of the victims."
I'd wondered about how close Cynthia was to Rowan a few times, but I'd never had a way to get an answer. They were close enough to be having a fight, at least, though it was probably a one-sided one.
"What about your brother?" I asked.
"Oh, they say we're basically the same person sometimes. I'd be inclined to disagree though, with how many pairs of socks and dirty clothes he leaves hanging around in our room," she complained with a sigh.
I snorted. "I honestly kind of empathize with him. My Pokemon Center rooms are a mess until I leave the place."
"I'd ask how you lived in a disorganized space, but I see Lulu do it every day," she said.
Lulu? That was pretty cute. "It's not disorganized if I know where everything is," I retorted. "Well, my girlfriend—" the words caught in my throat, but I only stopped for a split second. Please tell me she still loves me, "—sometimes has to find stuff for me, but you know. I know where the majority of things are."
"See, that's the thing that's wrong with you! And if I try to clean stuff up, then he complains that he doesn't know where anything is. Honestly, I just want the Professor to get us separate rooms already. The work's going to get done this summer, thank the Legendaries."
"Good for you," I nodded. "And in my defense, she calls me cute when I'm an airhead. Obviously, though, I'm the furthest thing from that."
"Obviously," Dawn giggled.
This was… nice. Just talking about stupid socks was fun. I felt a lot better than I had in days, and I'd just talked to this girl for barely a minute. In a way, it made me miss my friends even more too. And Cece. I bit the inside of my lip.
Couldn't I be happy for more than a minute before stumbling again? Arceus, I was so fucking stupid. Ten times, she called, and I didn't even answer. Now she was who knows where and I was too terrified to even talk to her despite the fact that I wanted to. Nothing made sense with me, did it?
"Having a tough time, hm?" Dawn noticed.
"I'll deal. I just need to hold on until tomorrow and I can talk to my therapist," I muttered. Then the day after that. And the day after that.
"Maybe we can show you around town while the Professor's looking at your Tyranitar. Oh, congratulations, by the way! I don't know when she evolved, but getting one is a huge deal."
I could tell she didn't want to hang out with me. Instead, she wanted to stay in and nerd over Sweetheart with Rowan. Her excitement peaked when she spoke of the rock type far more than anything I've seen coming from her.
"You can study her too if you want," I said. "I'll just wait, and she'll know how to behave if I leave my Jellicent with her, but me being there will be more effective."
"If you say so," she said, not pushing further.
"What are you guys going to study, by the way?" I asked.
"Oh, he'll probably ask you about her evolution— seeing a Pupitar evolve is nearly unheard of, save for the people who own a Tyranitar of course. Then he's probably going to check her physiology, behavior, anatomy… can we prod around in her vents? Like, where does the sand even come from? There must be an organ down there or something we could discover—"
"I'd hold off on that for now," I said.
"Oh, and of course, the Professor will pay you for letting him study a Tyranitar for an entire day," she added. "How does 450,000 sound?"
All of that for a single day?
"W—what?" I scoffed.
"Unless you want something else? He can pay in TMs," she raised an eyebrow.
"You said four hundred and fifty thousand?" I'd be able to buy so much with that.
"Tyranitar are rare."
"I'll take the money," I quickly said. Better take the money so I could think about which TMs I wanted for more than a few hours.
After rambling about Tyranitar for a little while, Dawn pointed me to a corridor, which led to the lab's immense backyard where Professor Rowan was waiting with Lucas. He was tall, from this close, and his square face and intense stare would have intimidated me had I been green. Lucas adjusted his cap and excitedly waved. Looks like I'm going to make their day with Sweetheart here, so at least I'm doing something good. Some equipment had been moved here, though both Lucas and Rowan carried a notepad. There was some kind of huge scale-looking thing, a camera, a… microscope? And a whole lot of stuff I didn't know.
"Ms. Pastel," Rowan greeted me with a gruff. Yeah, he straight-up disliked me, even if he was being professional about it. "Thank you for taking time out of your day to meet me here on such short notice."
"It's no problem at all," I quickly said. "Um, it's an… honor to meet you?"
There was an awkward silence, though Lucas quickly filled it.
"When the Professor heard that a trainer with a Tyranitar was in town, he went pretty crazy," Lucas said.
"You went just as crazy, Lulu," Dawn rolled her eyes. "You literally knocked your orange juice all over your breakfast."
"Well, I'm the one who cooked, so you can't complain about me wasting your time," he grunted.
"Well, it's still a waste of food! And maybe if you didn't call my cooking trash, I'd help you out more—"
Rowan cleared his throat. "Children. Let's not embarrass the lab, please. Ms. Pastel, if you will."
Lucas snickering at his sister for 'winning' the argument was hard to miss. I let Sweetheart out of her ball, and her eyes narrowed when she saw people. She hadn't seen anyone else but us or Mom since evolving, and though there was agitation within Rowan, Lucas, and Dawn just stared up at her in awe and only didn't approach because I outstretched a hand to warn them. Princess hovered over her sister and patted her on the head while Angel rubbed the crook of her back spikes.
"Hi Sweetie," I said, walking up to her. "Be nice, okay? No glaring— no biting, not even softly. These three are going to check you out to study you. Remember when I told you you were really, really special the other day?" I asked. Mostly, it had been because she'd demanded praise, but the point still applied. "You're one of the rarest Pokemon out there. People want to know more about you."
The titan growled, and Rowan's already pale complexion blanched even further. Even for a Professor, seeing a Tyranitar from this close must have been nerve-wracking, but his assistants didn't care whatsoever, and unlike me, it wasn't because they knew Sweetheart like the back of their hand. They were just impervious to fear, as if they lacked the capacity for it, or they just had a ridiculously high tolerance. After a bit of negotiating and me promising Sweetheart that I'd buy enough food to fill her stomach instead of her having to eat dirt, she reluctantly agreed, and they started studying her.
After turning on the camera, they weighed her. She stepped on the massive industrial scale, and the results came in at nine tons. That was, uh a lot more than I expected. They analyzed the composition of her plates with their microscope and debated about it for a while, and did a lot of other stuff like flashing a light into her vents— though they never touched them. Honestly, I felt very out of place with the terms they were throwing around, but they looked like they were having a good time, and I was content enough to sit here and grow used to my empathy. Sometimes, I'd feel confusion from them when they realized I was taking deep breaths and had my eyes closed, but none of them ever said anything about it.
What I realized, however, was that Dawn hadn't been kidding when she said they'd study her the entire day. At around one in the afternoon, they broke for lunch, and while Rowan retreated into his office, Lucas and Dawn stuck around and asked me if I wanted to eat. Really, I mostly wanted to drink something, because I felt like I'd puke if I ate, and the last thing I wanted was to puke in a world-renowned Professor's lab— or backyard in this case. They offered to feed my team too, from the huge stocks of food Rowan kept stored. Lucas and Dawn didn't just have their starter Pokemon, it seemed. The former had a Bronzong and Gastrodon while his sister had a Clefable, a Kadabra, and a Pachirisu. Both of their teams seem to be extremely close to each other— far closer than my Pokemon were to my friends' own.
We all sat at a table they'd set outside and I watched them eat a sandwich while I just had some iced water.
"We saw your fight with Barry," Lucas brought up. "You're pretty good. He called us the same day and screamed about how he found a new rival."
Dawn smiled. "Finally got the heat off of us. He was begging for us to start getting badges."
"I mean, we have one," Lucas said, turning toward us. "We battled Orebugh's Gym for fun at the start of the year when the Professor was picking up a fossil there."
"Okay, but Roark was super easy. His badge doesn't really count," Dawn shrugged. "I heard it gets really tough at the second badge, though."
"I struggled against Roark," I said. "Almost lost, really. I would have if Princess hadn't evolved."
"Well, look at you now," Dawn shrugged. "They call you one of the best first years."
I paused, and my good foot tapped against the grass. "Tell me if I'm being forceful."
I'd be able to tell, but I shouldn't forget good habits. I wouldn't keep this power on at all times, after all. Both of the twins nodded.
"You guys are so strong without even trying already," I said with a hint of jealousy. "You could have been…"
You could have been more. Their talent didn't come often, and they definitely would have made it to the Conference if they tried.
"Well, it's all subjective," Dawn said. "We enjoy being assistants to the professor, and we do train, mostly with each other."
"My Pokemon are better than hers," Lucas shrugged.
"Lucas, shut up."
"Anyway, this is what we set out to do, and we both love it," Lucas said. "We hope to be renowned Professors one day."
"You'll be my assistant, you dweeb," Dawn teased.
"Is someone talking right now, Grace?" Lucas asked. "I thought I heard something, but maybe it was just the wind— ack! Why'd you hit me?! You literally started it!"
"That was just a flick, don't be a baby."
Having a sibling looked fun, or at least when they were as close as these two. If I had a twin right now, would they be having as many problems as I was? Maybe I'd be able to vent to them about my problems the entire day. The two kept bantering for a bit until Dawn said Lucas was being rude to me by starting fights. They were kids, at the end of the day. And so was I, apparently, given that I couldn't help but laugh at some of the jokes, and eventually I started laughing with them.
"Anyway, what my brother was saying is, we like this better than battling. That's more of a hobby for us," Dawn said. "At the end of the day, that's what matters. Plus, the Professor thing was more long-term. Right now, our goal is to make the world better, one scientific discovery at a time. Doing some good is fun. Like, finding out one of the Professor's research subjects doesn't want to evolve and getting them an Everstone to hang onto despite the data we'd lose out on."
"Since you asked a question, I'll ask one," Lucas said, staring through me. There it was again. I readjusted my sitting position as he continued. "What d'you want to do?"
"Uh, like in life?" I asked. "Um, becoming a strong trainer, and advocating for Pokemon rights…"
"Well, what my brother means is your goal right now. Think simple," Dawn sat, leaning forward as she set her sandwich on her plate. "Doesn't have to be big."
Beyond the fact that I was a mess that needed to be fixed, a monster who needed to be held on a leash and that I wanted to get better, what did I want right now? Well, it was hard to say considering those two were my biggest priorities. Badges? Something told me they wouldn't be satisfied with my answer. They'd asked me a simple question, and the hair on my back was standing on edge, like I was supposed to care what they thought about me. The tension was so high, yet they were so calm in a way I didn't think was possible. Like a completely still line. Now I finally understood why Denzel said he wasn't that friendly with them— beyond being a complete third wheel— considering they could pull out these fate shattering questions at the drop of a hat.
"Making things right with my friends," I answered. "But that's not what you want, is it? I guess more broadly, I also want to do good."
Dawn hummed. "Do good, huh? What's that imply? Lots of people have different notions of what that means."
"I don't know. Like, helping some random Bidoof find a new place to build a dam, or some lost kid find their parents."
"Think she did one of those examples?" Lucas asked.
"I'm going to tell Rowan to put you on Pokemon Analyzer-watch duty," Dawn sighed. "That's pretty cool, though. Most of the time people answer with more personal goals than that."
I muttered. "Well…"
Then, it clicked. Or maybe it didn't click, but I remembered.
Good acts made me feel good.
Beyond the thirst for revenge, punishment, the desire to deliver retribution to those who needed it, that was what I'd been, first and foremost. Helping people and Pokemon without expecting them to pay anything else in return. Hell, I had helped Cecilia after she'd threatened to feed me to her Deino in a bathroom stall, and today I probably would have threatened to hurt her back instead of getting to know her when she'd been so obviously traumatized and full of paranoia. I never would have given Pauline a chance after what she'd called me during the Floaroma tournament. And if I had given Cece a chance and fallen in love with her, Louis would probably be dead in an alley somewhere, given that I could probably get away with murder these days. Some of the best friends I'd made, I never would have given a chance after they wronged me once. I'd just had the retributive part of me grow uncontrollably while the kind part of me stayed at a similar level. This wasn't much, but it was a start. It mattered. It was something that made me feel human again.
"What do you think," I asked, almost breathless, "about second chances?"
Lucas frowned "Huh?"
"For yourself, or for other people?" Dawn asked.
"Both."
"Well there was this guy in Johto that Professor Elm likes to bring up whenever he calls Professor Rowan and they exchange research. Stole one of his Totodile and broke some other laws in his quest for some kind of purpose. Today he works in his lab often," Dawn shrugged. "I don't really know, though. Depends on circumstances, really."
Was I a good judge of circumstances? People like Backlot, Mars and Saturn, they were beyond giving any chances to. The notion disgusted me, and it would be antithetical to who I was. But what about Maylene? I'd forced her to have a breakdown in public, pushed her buttons until she cried because she wasn't running a Gym properly. Obviously she wasn't, but she was a kid. There were probably better ways to help that I didn't even try. I could have asked Cynthia about it, or Candice, or just won normally and have tried to talk to Maylene instead of breaking her. Instead, I hadn't even given her a chance.
And I was far worse today than I'd been in Veilstone. So no, I was not a good judge, save for the most extreme, clear-cut cases. I wasn't even a half-decent one, really.
"It's about time to start again," Lucas said. "The Professor will be back soon."
Dawn said something, but I wasn't listening. It would be easier said than done, to do good for quote-on-quote 'bad' people. I was still me, and I was never going away. The girl who had broken an overworked stressed teenager and enjoyed it until she realized how fucked up it had been when she thought about what her friends would think about it if it ever came out. And I might have done worse, if my worries about Poketch hadn't held me back. But I'd also gone through hell to go to the city today and warn the Rangers— and it was insane that I even considered that an achievement when it was just common decency, but the headache probably had something to do with it.
It was a start. I was capable of doing this. I'd done it multiple times before, for Cece, Pauline, Louis— hell, even Sunshine. Helped people who had been bad to me or terrible people and brought the good out of them.
It was a second chance.
Professor Rowan came back a few minutes later, and had me spend the rest of the day bored out of my mind. Still, being bored once in a while was a nice change of pace.
—
Now that we were done with all of these experiments, it was truly time to leave. Lucas and Dawn bid me warm farewells after Rowan transferred money onto my Trainer card. I'd spent more time in Sandgem than expected, and it was now late in the evening. I wouldn't miss the town given that it still gave me a migraine, but it hadn't been as bad as I had expected, and I was making real progress in finally dimming my empathy and had found something to work on. With some luck, by the time I made it to another city, I wouldn't suffer as much and I'd actually be able to function like a normal human being.
That was for later, however. For now, it was time to head to Eterna Forest, and I'd stop in Floaroma on the way there. The town where it all began tumbling down and where everything began.
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