How To Raise Your Regressor

"The party is in the evening, so sleep all you want," Jennifer said with a playful smile as she closed the door behind her.

How rude of her, though in hindsight, I should have expected that.

Birthday parties are usually held in the evenings, so my 'I want to sleep' excuse would obviously be useless.

Hmm, but in some cultures, birthdays are celebrated in the morning, so my excuse could have worked had I been a bit luckier. So, it's not my fault.

Yes, it's this world's fault.

Cringe realisations aside, what should I do now?

I have zero interest in attending anything like a party, but I don't really have anything else to do either.

Compared to lying on my bed like a salted fish, watching Jennifer make a fool out of herself at a party she was invited to only out of courtesy should theoretically be slightly more amusing.

And considering the abysmal response time of the Aggressors, I doubt the Azagul would be arriving today, so I'm completely free today.

Oh well, I suppose I'll voluntarily fall into Azell's trap this time. I'll let him celebrate this little victory and harbour hope that I can be 'saved'.

After all, the higher the pedestal of hope, the deeper and more amusing is the pit of despair.

❄️❄️❄️

"Are you ready?" Ms. Socially Awkward Guild Leader barged into my room without even knocking.

I really should install a tactical nuke on my door. The last thing I want is to be caught rubbing one out, or installing new organs in my body, or hanging from the ceiling.

"I was born ready."

"Ohhhh, I like your enthusiasm," she smirked.

Understanding sarcasm is not one of her strong suits, huh.

"So, where are we going?"

"You just need to follow me."

Jesus, why so secretive? Don't tell this is one of those hot and steamy parties that rich people hold where you are 'serviced' in various ways.

"It's not that kind of party."

Wat.

"What kind?" I feigned ignorance.

"…" Her eyes narrowed. "Anyway, it's just a normal birthday party."

"I see."

"By the way, are you really going to wear 'that'?"

'That'? Wat? I'm just wearing a normal shirt and a pair of pyjamas.

What's wrong with that? How rude of her.

"Then what do you want, a three-piece suit?"

"Well, I mean…"

"This is the best I can do for a party I'm being forced to attend."

"Oh, come on, don't be like that. It'll be fun!"

Is it just me, or is Jennifer treating me like a 13-year-old?

This motherfucker.

Well, I mean, she's not wrong because I AM a 13-year-old, but still, fuck her. She was the one who was treating me like some sort of overpowered main character in the morning, and now she's talking to me like I'm a teenager who cannot wait to grow up because adults are cool.

Wow.

"Yee-haw."

"Argh, why are you so difficult?"

"Don't know, don't care. Let's just go."

Since I have already decided to sacrifice myself today, I might as well get done with it as soon as possible.

"By the way, why are there dark circles under your eyes?"

Oh shit. Can't let her know I didn't sleep or she'll definitely make a big issue out of it.

…Why do I sound like a husband who came home late because he went drinking with his buddies but doesn't want to tell his wife to avoid creating a scene?

Yikes.

"Do not kink shame me on my choice of makeup."

Stupid asshole.

Seriously though, why are the New Dawn Guild members so quick to judge others?

Is it because as 'exotic' creatures (like Dragons, Ultimate Weapons etc.), they have been judged their whole lives by others?

The people and environment around has always been hostile to them, and it is only natural to repay hostility with hostility. In other words, they started to be so judgmental of others because they have been judged their whole lives.

That actually sounds like a plausible explanation.

Have I finally unlocked the secrets behind why the New Dawn Guild wankers are such stupid motherfuckers? Maybe it's not their fault, but the world's.

…

Which means it's the world's fault that I'm suffering right now.

Time to open portals to the Aggressors home world and speedrun this world's destruction.

"Or maybe, you just didn't sleep," Jennifer's eyes squinted in suspicion.

Oh shit.

"Haha, that would be crazy."

"Haha, right?"

"…"

"…"

"Oh my, would you look at the time."

"There's no clock here."

"…It's almost time to go to the birthday party. You wouldn't want to be late to such an important occasion now, would you?"

"…" Jennifer hesitated for a bit. "You're right. We can't be late. Let's go!"

Hmmm, for a moment there, Jennifer seemed afraid of being late.

Maybe this birthday party is more important to her than I imagine it to be. Maybe the birthday boi/non-boi is more than 'just someone she knows'.

Which would mean she wouldn't make a fool out of herself there.

Shit.

"Actually, I just remember that there's something I have to do. I won't be going with you."

There's no point in going to the party if I can't see Jennifer being thrown out of the venue, so let's just bail.

"What?" Jennifer raised her eyebrow. "What do you need to do?"

Why is she so straight to the point? What excuse should I make?

Uhhh…

"I just remembered that a very important research product that I ordered would be arriving today. I need to be there to receive it."

"There are no scheduled deliveries to the Guild house today, though?" She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes.

Why the fuck would she even keep track of something like that?

"Yea, that's because it's scheduled to be delivered at the New Dawn Guild. I'll have to go there to collect it."

"You can just pick it up later. It's not like Azell will auction it off or something."

Fair point.

"Um, no, I need to start my new research as soon as possible. A lot of things depend on it."

"Hmm, I see, I see, that makes sense," she slowly nodded.

"That's why I can't-"

Before I could finish my words, Jennifer grabbed my neck from behind and brought her face closer to mine.

"Now, riddle me this, Samur, do I look like I am as gullible as Noelle?"

Yes.

"I have no idea why you would ask me that…"

"I know your story is bullshit, and you can't convince me otherwise. You're coming with me today."

What the fuck?

"Seriously? Why are you even so adamant about taking me to a birthday party when I don't want to?"

"It's for your own good."

Ah yes, the classic 'It's for you own good'.

"And how exactly would you know what's good for me and what's not?"

Let's guilt trip her.

"Because I'm an adult and you're a child, so listen to me or I'll spank the shit out of you."

Damn, she's good.

"Kinky."

"Oh, I'm looking forward to your moans."

Huh?

"I'm going to report you for child sexual abuse."

"There are no authorities here that you can report me to. This world has yet to develop child protection services."

Hot damn, this woman has a counter to every argument. She has been trained well by Azell.

"Why are you like this?"

"That's what I should be asking you!" Jennifer exclaimed.

"I'll make sure you pay for this."

"I'll be looking forward to that."

Unfazed by my threats, Jennifer dragged me away.

Wow.