Depthless Hunger

Chapter 59: Impossible Souls

Before Kai could think of an explanation, Zae Zin Nim had already swallowed one of her pills. Her qi began flowing within her, just like when she'd fought the monsters, and she unleashed a burst of it toward him. When they had first met, such an attack might have torn through his chest.

Kai instinctively struck at the energy, knocking it into the sky. His hand burned slightly, but he knew that it would heal soon. They were both startled by the deflection, but Kai recovered first.

"I told you my soul was damaged!" Kai tried to look nonthreatening without actually letting down his guard, which was difficult because his instincts urged him to attack.

"You said damaged, not... this!" She stared at him with a wild gaze, but when her hand extended, it was to flail at the air, not to attack him again. "Just what are you? There can be monsters that take humanoid form... but this doesn't make any sense..."

"And here I thought you might just laugh and say there were a million people with monster souls on Cloudspire. I take it this isn't something you've seen before?"

"In the sense that I've never seen a triangle with four sides! Monstrous and human power are oppo-"

Zae Zin Nim suddenly began to cough again, her wounds along her arm breaking open. She staggered back and Kai automatically moved to try to help her before she waved him away. Once she had recovered, she straightened to glare at him.

"If you tell me that you intentionally did this to yourself," she said, each word deliberate, "I will seriously reconsider our agreement."

"I don't even know how it happened." Now that it seemed they wouldn't fight after all, Kai shrugged sheepishly. "I was actually hoping that you might be able to explain. Something happened that removed the Class part of my soul and then things started changing. I still haven't figured out exactly what's going on."

"Whatever it is, it shouldn't be."

"So am I destroying my own soul?"

"That's the really troubling part." All the tension draining from her, Zae Zin Nim sat down right in the dust and wrapped her arms around her knees. "Somehow, your soul seems healthy. I think the only instability is coming from your mind, because you're still struggling to accept it."

"Accept what, exactly?" Kai sat down opposite her and crossed his legs. "To me, it looks like two different layers of the symbols I usually see. I wondered if I had two souls, or split it in half, or... something like that."

"It doesn't look that way to me. When I first looked at you, I saw a pure monster's essence, just a threat. It's completely impossible for monsters to have souls, that's why they're monsters. Yet you still have Physique and Soul Levels... I would guess that these monstrous elements filled the void where your local abilities should have been, but they seem to be dominant. It doesn't make any sense."

"You said the instability was due to me not accepting what happened?"

"Having a clear view of your own essence is critical for balancing your own nature, and yours is deeply confused."

"So if I just come to terms with it, I-"

"No! If you take that path, you'll be throwing your humanity away."

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Kai stared at her, for the first time forgetting about the abstract theory of it all. He still felt like himself... except for the hunger and the new instincts and the underlying viciousness. Yet even before, he remembered falling into a monstrous bloodlust, as early as the Direboar and maybe even before. All his life he'd wanted to fight monsters, and now...

"This isn't some cheap moral complaint," Zae Zin Nim said flatly. "I'm not saying that philosophers will disapprove and housewives will gasp at the scandal." She leaned forward, her eyes boring into his. "I'm telling you that if you continue on this path you will become, in the deepest ontological sense, a non-human monster."

"So what?"

The words were out of his mouth before he'd really thought about them. Zae Zin Nim pulled back with a frown and Kai hesitated as he wondered if he meant that. Though the idea still made him queasy, he found himself coming to a conclusion surprisingly quickly.

"Humans aren't good because they're human. Monsters aren't bad because they have the word 'monster' hovering over their head. All that matters is what we do. And unless you can tell me with absolute certainty that taking this path will somehow destroy my free will, I don't think it matters."

After a long silence, she closed her eyes. "I suppose that's true, in a sense."

"Really? Because I'm not sure it is." Kai rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. "Everybody I run into is going to have exactly the same reaction you did, and I can't afford to keep having this argument. People were suspicious of me before, and I think my soul was a lot more ambiguous then."

"I didn't get any sense of that when we first met again... did you intentionally deceive me?"

"Not exactly." Since honesty had worked for him so far, he swallowed and pushed forward. "I knew my soul might look suspicious, so I tried to stabilize my soul with a potion."

"A temporary solution at best." Zae Zin Nim rose to her feet and began walking in the direction they had been traveling before the monster attack. "I need time to think."

She spoke with such insistence that Kai decided to give her space. While she moved on, he found the monster's body and retrieved its core before he caught up with her. Zae Zin Nim didn't so much as acknowledge him, but when he shifted their path slightly to avoid a forested area filled with monstrous apes, she followed without comment.

After only an hour, Kai was antsy and hungry again. The foreign woman continued walking without hesitation, even past the time they would usually eat dinner. Clearly, she was comfortable with empty silence in a way he wasn't. Only when the sun fell near the horizon did she speak up again.

"Walking a new path is always dangerous, Kai Clanless. But from what I have seen, I would like to know where yours will end." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "I will do what I can to help you, and I pray that you will help me. Please do not betray my trust."

"I'll do everything I can." It was clear that her statement meant more to her than he could discern, so he tried to treat it with the respect it deserved. He thought that Zae Zin Nim might have smiled at him, but the expression was gone a moment later.

"This is breaking my usual standards, but I will try to help you first. Would you like to learn how to cultivate?"

"Can that be done here? The last time we met you said I wasn't suited to it, and you said we didn't have qi."

"It's so thin that it might as well not exist by the standards of Cloudspire, but small quantities are detectable." As she explained, she led him toward a hill that would at least block some of the wind and brushed off a place to sit. "The first stage of the process requires considerable mental discipline, so you can learn it even here."

Kai quickly sat down before her to listen. "You think it would work, given my... condition?"

"Some of your success is determined by the heavens, but far from all. Most importantly, I think it may be suited to working through your present condition. Now, listen carefully: the first stage is qi condensation. You must learn to grasp the power and draw it into your body. This process will slowly refine your physical self. Ordinarily, this is only a requirement for future advancement, which you couldn't access here. In your case, I believe it will require you to resolve any... inconsistencies."

"But I can't even sense any qi, aside from you."

"Because you're looking in the wrong way." Zae Zin Nim closed her eyes and swept her hands to either side of her. "From what I have seen, mana is like a fire burning within the soul. It might be fed by outside sources, but it is fundamentally internal. Qi is nothing like that. It permeates everything, invisible as water to a fish. The first step is to pull back from what you have known..."